HOLY CRAP

I would like to present to you one of the most anticipated viewings of my life. It should be one of yours too.


That's right, Deborah "Debbie" Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas battling not one, but two giant sea creatures. John and I will both hopefully have reviews up upon our viewing of this sure to be classic.

Garrett Reviews MAN ON WIRE

Have you ever watched a movie with a character that scares the living hell out of you and thank God that it’s only a movie and that the character isn’t real? Most of the time these characters are found in horror or suspense films. However, sometimes these characters appear in documentaries, meaning the characters are actually real. This is the case for me with the film, Man on Wire. There was a character so chilling and scary to me that I could barely focus on the movie. No, I’m not talking about Philippe Petit, the focus of the documentary. The character that kept me on the edge of my seat was none other than height, the scariest of all dimensions.

Man on Wire tells the story of French wirewalker Philippe Petit and his death defying traipse between New York City’s Twin Towers of the World Trade Center (R.I.P.) in 1974. Some of his background and previous famous wire walks are discussed, but the majority of the film deals with the conception, planning, and execution of the Twin Towers walk. Petit is a quirky little Frenchman, and it didn’t take long for him to get on my nerves. Now don’t get me wrong, his wire walks are nothing short of amazing, but Petit’s idiosyncrasies and annoying persona detract from his awe-inspiring walks. Even if Petit were the model of perfection (you know, someone like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf), he would still take a backseat to height and all of its glory.

From its first appearance in New York, height instantly became the star of the film. At 110 stories and just over 1360 feet, height was literally and figuratively the biggest character in the documentary. I am scared to death of man-made heights, and the height in Man on Wire is just that kind. The farthest I’ve ever been up in a building was the 32nd floor of the Regions-Harbert Plaza in Birmingham, AL and it scared the crap out of me. Looking down at the ground and feeling the building sway in the breeze turned what should have been an enjoyable experience into a nerve wracking one. So when pictures from the top of the Twin Towers began to be shown, height captured my attention and wouldn’t let go. Rachael Leigh Cook could have walked across the screen butt-ass naked with a midget holding a kitten strapped to her back but I wouldn’t have noticed. How height didn’t win, much less get nominated for, an Oscar for best actor in a leading role goes down as one of the all time greatest snubs in Oscar history. Sean Penn wishes he could hold height’s jock strap. The fact that Man on Wire won an Oscar in 2009 for best documentary can be contributed solely to height’s performance.

Even with height’s performance, Man on Wire does not warrant any greater than an average rating from me. Philippe Petit’s annoying personality was not its only fault. I felt that its drama reconstructions were campy and added nothing to the story. With so many well documented events, why create Vaudeville-esque scenes to help expand the story? I get that Petit used to be a street performer, but I felt that they were unnecessary. If the entire length of the film had been rooftop shots from the Twin Towers I probably would give Man on Wire 9 unemployment checks, but because this was not the case I can only give it 6 out of 10 unemployment checks. Be on the lookout for height though, I think he’s got a big future ahead of him in Hollywood.

How to Kill Vampires: Garrett's Review of LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

Having trouble killing those pesky vampires that have been tormenting you lately? No, not the tween-pires in Twilight, the real ones. Let me offer you hope in your quest to rid yourself of the blood drinking undead. After watching the Swedish movie, Let the Right One In, I am now a vampire extermination specialist.

The most important thing to know is that the old ways of killing off vampires are just that, old and outdated. Garlic? Maybe for your mom’s spaghetti sauce. Crucifixes? You might as well bling them out and wear them around your neck. Wooden stakes? I don’t know, give them to a beaver.

Defeating vampires these days can be accomplished in one of two easy ways. First, get yourself some cats. Seriously. Cats hate vampires and attack them any chance they get. I’m not sure why they hate them, but I’m not sure why cats do most of the stuff they do. Secondly, be a dick and never invite someone into your house/room/sauna/tent. For some reason vampires cannot enter into someone else’s place unless they are invited in. If they do a scene reminiscent of the Nazis melting at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark ensues. Now I’ve got a reason to not let Jehovah’s Witnesses or fundraisers of the Democratic Party into my house. Before, I was just a dick that didn’t want to waste my time but now I can say that I’m worried they’re vampires.

“What about sunshine?” you may be asking yourself. Well, sunshine still works. Vampires’ avoidance of sunlight just strengthens my deep down uncertainty of people with crazy pale skin. Sunshine is a classic that’s still cool, kind of like women cooking barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. It doesn’t get much cooler than that.

So there you have it, my vampire ridding expertise learned by watching Let the Right One In not once, but two times. I’m sorry that I can’t help you rid yourself of the Twilight tween-pires; I’m still working on that one myself. The only thing I’ve come up with so far is to advertise a huge sale on studded belts and mesh stockings at Hot Topic and then burn them all down once everyone is inside.

9 out of 10 unemployment checks

Garrett Reviews ROGUE

I’ll start this review by saying that I have a bizarre affinity for big alligator movies. My sample size is small, though, as Lake Placid is the only big alligator movie I’ve ever seen. In high school I somehow convinced my friends that we should go see the aforementioned Lake Placid on opening night as a joke. Sadly it was sold out and I was forced to watch Summer of Sam. However, I did walk into Lake Placid’s theater and exclaim: “That’s a big ass alligator!” Yeah, pretty stupid. However, I digress. It’s not like I go into a big alligator movie expecting a cinematic masterpiece, I just know that I should be in store for a least a few interesting scenes. Growing up in Florida, I always hoped for a gigantic gator to be living in the pond behind my house. No such luck unfortunately. Needless to say, I was intrigued when Netflix recommended Rogue to me.

While Rogue doesn’t star a big alligator, it does star its cousin, a big crocodile. The premise of the movie is that an American journalist travels to the Australian outback and boards a crocodile sightseeing boat, where trouble shortly ensues. It’s a pretty basic plot that goes something like this: Man boards boat, man likes woman captaining boat, boat is filled with tourists, boat wanders off course, boat gets attacked by big crocodile, people are stranded, crocodile eats people, a lucky few escape. Sounds like any big animal movie right?

However, Rogue does manage to throw in a few curve balls. As some scenes would unfold I would go ahead and presuppose the cliché thing that would happen only to be proven wrong. I would then applaud the makers of the big crocodile movie for straying from the path. Bravo, guys. The ultimate curveball would have been to have a character like Betty White’s in Lake Placid. Man, how great would it have been to have Bea Arthur in this movie? Unfortunately for me and Rogue, that doesn’t happen.

Even though a big crocodile is not as cool as a big alligator, I can still give Rogue some props. My fondness of big alligators/crocodiles probably skews my rating a tad, so take that into account. Here’s hoping for a Rogue 2 with a Bea Arthur appearance.

4 out of 10 unemployment checks


EDIT:
The magical Bea Arthur passed away on April 25, so there’s no chance of her making a cameo in my dream version of Rogue 2. I wonder if Rue McClanahan is busy.

Garrett Reviews ROLE MODELS

“Sometimes I call myself ‘The Booby Watcher’, and I have my own comic book, The Adventures of The Booby Watcher.” It’s as if I were watching myself as a kid on screen. When I was younger however, my name was not Ronnie, I was not black, and I did not have as foul a mouth. Okay, so I never had a nickname like that for myself or had a comic book, but now I wish I had. Oh, I guess I should mention that this is my review of Role Models. The film is about two screw-ups who are forced to perform community service at a Big Brothers & Big Sisters-type program or face jail time and what transpires between them and their less-than-easy “lil’s”.

Going into the film, I already felt like Role Models had a lot in its favor. First, it was co-written by Paul Rudd, along David Wain and Ken Marino (of MTV’s The State fame). I’m almost always a fan of what any alumni of The State write and tend to enjoy things with Rudd’s name attached to it. The fact that they wrote this film together was an added bonus. Secondly, Rudd, Wain, and Marino all had roles in the film, along with various other State alumni, another plus. Finally, the film had a young man by the name of Bobb'e J. Thompson playing one of the main characters, Ronnie. His name alone demands respect from me. He’s also funny as hell too. I knew Bobb’e mostly from his appearances on the MTV show, Human Giant, in the “Shutterbugs” skits. These three factors all caused me to have hope for Role Models, yes, even with Sean William Scott in a lead role.

All in all Role Models was an enjoyable film. There was nothing ground breaking but there were enough entertaining parts to hold my interest. There were many dialogues between characters that caused me to laugh out loud. Jane Lynch, playing the program’s ex-drug addict founder, always had interesting tidbits of dialogue to contribute. I was also happy to see that the film didn’t try to hammer home the “reformation” message that so many of the films with this type of story do. It was addressed, but not in a manner that makes me want to run out and hug the Renaissance re-enactors that hang out in the local park.

The film was not without its faults though. What sticks out the most in my mind is that Ronnie’s character was a driving force behind much of the comedy but he disappeared towards the end of the film. It’s almost like the film was written with the purpose of hooking people in with Ronnie and fading him out to explore other areas. This caused the film to be a bit broken up, with the first part being concentrated on Ronnie’s character and the second on Augie, played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse of McLovin fame. Dressing Ronnie up like Gene Simmons of KISS at the end was a nice touch though.

Much like Seann William Scott’s character, Wheeler, and Ronnie found the common ground of boobies to bond over, I feel like most people should be able to find something to bond with and find enjoyment in in Role Models. There are plenty of character types and ideas to bond with, so just pick one. If you can’t find anything to identify with, you can always do as I did and wish that you were a tough talking black kid with a fascination with boobies. Time for me to go work on my illustrations for the next edition of The Adventures of The Booby Watcher.

6 out of 10 unemployment checks

John Reviews LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Oskar, I’m not a girl”

The problem with most horror movies is that they disengage the audience as much as possible. Are we not yet tired of seeing a fight between between good and evil, humans and monsters of lore, women running and screaming from the unexplainable? The Swedish film, Let the Right One In, gives us a painfully emotional story of two 12 year olds and their struggle with adolescence. Oh yeah, i should mention that one is a vampire. Wait, adolescence? Yes, they are not fighting legions of mummies that are resurrected by some ancient relic of Amon-Re. Oskar, the film’s leading role, is just a shy 12 year old boy who just tries to make it through the horrors of grade school.

Oskar is a lonely. His parents are separated, and he is bullied daily at school. He scrapbooks murder stories from the newspaper and releases his anger by swinging his knife at a tree yelling the same obscenities that are used on him. Oskar finds comfort and guidance through, Eli, a dark haired, fair skin girl who he meets in the neighborhood playground.

Everything is well with their relationship until Oskar, infatuated with Eli, slits his hand and offers a blood pact. Eli, unable to withstand her urge, leaps to the pool of blood on the ground and demands Oskar to leave the room. Over time the find their differences meaningless, and they realize their survival is dependent on each other.

Let the Right One In, is a beautiful and moving story regardless of any genre it will be categorized in. Remove the vampires and you could very well have a story just as good. The casting and art direction is perfect. Every scene is shot so well, each frame could hold its own merit as a still photograph.

Upon a bit research, I discovered that Let the Right One In is based on a Swedish novel of the same title. The novel became a success and has since been translated into four languages. From what i understand, this book and the Twilight series are part of a new genre in the literary world. I haven’t read any of them, but if the stories are crafted this well, I will be excited to see what comes next. As with any literary series with a cult following, I am sure that there are tons of answers to the some obscurities in the film isn’t fully addressed. I am dying to know the origins of Eli’s human father, and I would love to see or read about the complexities of their relationship.

Let the Right One In is scheduled for an American remake in 2010 by Cloverfield director Matt Revees. I do not doubt Reeves ability to to make a successful translation, but i can not imagine the story being better told. I feel a little odd giving my first review a perfect score, but here it is:

10 out of 10 unemployment checks.

John Reviews GRAN TORINO